Double Feature: Hamlet 2 vs. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Hamlet 2 is this brilliant movie, in which a loser high school drama teacher decides to stage his own creation, a complex sequel to Hamlet that involves a time-traveling Jesus.  A Jesus who “kicks ass”.  Elizabeth Shue shows up to play herself, as a someone who is kind of done with acting.  You get the feeling she’s playing it quite close to life.  Hamlet 2 is a must see, but the reason I bring it up is that the teacher’s dream, a mixed up play with randomly drawn characters who shouldn’t really be there, and a religious icon doing things he shouldn’t really be doing, is exactly the theme of another movie: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

The message of Hamlet 2 is that even if your vision is fucked up, lots of people will jump in at the last moment and help you transform it into art.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is what happens if someone takes that message too seriously.  Now, I hate romantic comedies mostly because the central message is destructive.  They teach us to be victims or stalkers in the name of love.  And, unlike action/horror movies, people take those messages seriously.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is not as bad as believing that some girl will really love you if just keep following her around.  But it is bad.  All through the movie, you can almost hear the voices of the creator/director and his friends saying things like: “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to fight a bunch of guys getting out of a car?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to go shopping in modern times?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus rode a skateboard?”  No, no, and not really.

If something seemed really funny when your stoned, you should probably try running the idea around in your head sober before making it into a movie.  On the other hand, everybody making this thing was having a good time.  They decided to thrown in a Mexican wrestler and lots of lesbians, just in case the profane Jesus couldn’t carry the movie.  There are a few characters who are desperately trying to be over the top, and one or two of them make it.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is probably about as good as you might expect.  Bad acting is topped by senseless direction and inane action scenes.  There is no actual nudity.  Jesus is ridiculous, but doesn’t engage in any kind of political or social satire.  The vampires are inconsistent, and some of the other characters get a lot of screen time which they don’t have the talent to make anything of.  It looks like a college student movie that somehow got enough budget to go full-length, and hire one stunt man.  But it doesn’t make the kind of magic out of these elements that Hamlet 2 seems to promise.

TSA Comfort

I was reading a Peter King (Sportswriter and Bret Favre spokesperson) column where he complained that the TSA didn’t do the same thing every time at every airport.  He wanted the comfort of either being told to always take off his shoes, or never take off his shoes.  I think he speaks for most people.  If there are security precautions, they should be the same, everywhere.

In fact, if the security was the issue, the rules would change constantly.  Any static set of precautions can be planned around or bypassed.  But planning around rules that don’t stay the same is far more difficult.  But I suspect that even if we explained this to people over and over, most would still rather have predictable rules.  They would feel comforted.  Obviously, the true goal of the TSA is comforting our fears.

Theater and the TSA

Long lines at airports, to get through security, tell us something.  They tell us that our government is doing something about terrorism.  In fact, the government is mostly crowding travelers into large packs, in the midst of which large carts full of luggage are dragged along.  It makes a pretty good target, but nobody says anything.  Any joke or comment about safety wins you a quick trip to a private room and rubber gloves.

There are other rules, practices, rituals that make us feel safe.   Once we go through those security gates.  The assumption is that terrorist will only target us on the other side.  With hummus.  We take off our shoes, take out our laptops.  No pen-knives, no liquids.  And, it turns out, no hummus, no cottage cheese, no yogurt.  The TSA doesn’t seriously think you could design a bomb that looks like an unopened thing of hummus, does it?  Anybody who could do that could make a meatball sub into something even more dangerous.  And how did they decide what amount was too much?

It’s a safety ritual.  It has to do with making us feel safe and protected.  It’s a bit of theater, really.  When they took my hummus, the TSA guy looked deep into my eyes, with the trained softness of a hostage negotiator or grief counselor.  “I understand,” he said, “I’m a hummus eater too.”  I offered him mine.

Before 9/11, we had a false sense of security.  After 9/11 we had a false sense of danger.  It happened, so we believe it could happen again, anytime, anywhere.  In fact 9/11 took years of planning and organization.   But we need something to tell us that it’s okay to fly.  Ritual security measures are probably more effective than real security, which necessarily takes place out of our view.

The War Prayer (a story by Mark Twain)

The War Prayer

by Mark Twain

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety’s sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came — next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams — visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation

*God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!*

Then came the “long” prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory –

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher’s side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, “Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!”

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside — which the startled minister did — and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

“I come from the Throne — bearing a message from Almighty God!” The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. “He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import — that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of — except he pause and think.

“God’s servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two — one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this — keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor’s crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

“You have heard your servant’s prayer — the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it — that part which the pastor — and also you in your hearts — fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: ‘Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!’ That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory–*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(*After a pause.*) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!”

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

Stock Market Surprise

The stock market plunged 680 points yesterday, after hearing the official news that we’re in a recession.  We’ve been in a recession since December 2007.  But you don’t get the official Recession Achievement Badge until the National Bureau of Economic Research says you’re in a recession.  Generally, this is believed to be when there have been two quarters of negative growth, but like every easy formula, it turns out to be just something they tell the public.  It’s more complicated.

Still, everybody knew we were in a recession, and it was only a matter of time until that was announced.  So why did the stock market dump?  The stock market is supposed to aggregate information from the wisdom of crowds and use that correctly price stock.  But the only information that changed was that we went from “unofficial recession” to “official recession”.  I use quotes, against my better judgement, because the National Bureau of Economic Research is actually a private body.  If this was something that everyone knows, and an announcement that everyone know would come, how could it change the information available to this supposedly near-perfect pricing mechanism?

Another Note on Geek Squad Idiots

For those who haven’t kept track:

  • Best Buy took my hard drive out of my laptop, without permission, and wouldn’t give it back.  They claimed it failed a stress test.
  • I took Best Buy to court, the judge made them return my hard drive.

Now, the update:  the hard drive they claimed did not work, works fine.  However, my touchpad no longer works.  It seems that when they put in a new motherboard, they forgot to hook the touchpad up again. I could take it back, but letting the Geek Squad touch my computer again seems like a bad idea.

Palin Pardons a Turkey

Turkeys get slaughtered all the time.  Come Thanksgiving, it’s going to be Turkey Genocide.  We’re okay with that, because we like food, we like getting together with family, and watching football or something.  Still, every year, we have our leaders pardon a turkey or two:

Bush pardons turkey?

But Sarah Palin pardons her turkey while behind her, on camera, a bunch more get slaughtered.  It’s bad theater.

Marriage, Christianity, and Proposition 8

California voters have passed a proposition that defines a word, but has no other legal consequence.  Proposition 8 says: Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.  However, even proponents of the law point out that, under California law, domestic partners shall have the same rights, protections, and benefits as married spouses.  So why bother? 

The stated claim that this somehow “defends marriage” is too ludicrous to be taken seriously.  Straight celebrity couples are doing far more damage to the image and reputation of marriage than any known gay couple.  We all know about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.  Name one gay couple who has had anywhere near the public drama?  No, this argument is about possession of a word.  Who gets to define the term marriage?  In California, it’s a large group of people who claim the word Christian who also want to claim the word marriage.  For some reason, they feel their message is weak, so they turn to the State to do it for them.

Why not?  The California initiative system lets people pull pretty much any stupid idea out of their collective ass, and then vote it into place.  Even something as stupid as having the State force the religious definition of a term into law.  People in California are perfectly happy to flood courts with half-baked legislation, though they then complain about judges making law.

But, hey, anybody can play.  If we’re going to have the State define religious terms, let’s have them define something big.  How about the term Christian?

Of course we could make up any definition and if we got enough signatures, it would go on the ballot.  But let’s try to give it some reasonable basis.  The term Christian should obviously pertain to someone who “follows Christ”.  So the best authority would be Christ telling people how to follow him.  For instance:

Matthew 19, 21 – 22,

The young man said to him, “All of these I have observed. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to (the) poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Also,

Luke 6, 30, 36 – 37

To the person who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other one as well, and from the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your tunic. Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.

But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as (also) your Father is merciful. “Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.

So, some principles we can abstract:

  • Giving up possessions
  • Turning the other cheek
  • Giving to people who ask of you
  • Non-judgmentalism


Therefore we can safely remove the title of Christian from churches where wealth is common, where war is promoted, where generosity, in any form, is derided, and where people are judged by anyone other than God.

Since law is usually better with large, broad strokes, let’s just say that any church that has large buildings, fancy cars in the parking lot, that advocated for the War in Iraq, that opposes social programs, or that encouraged members to vote yes on Proposition 8 can no longer carry the name, Christian. And, when in the State of California, anybody who violates these premises, yet calls themselves a Christian, will be fined or jailed.  Why not?

Skipping Twilight: When Genres Collide

My least favorite genre is the romantic comedy.  Or even worse, the teen love romantic comedy.  Actually, teen love is even worse when it’s not funny.

On the other hand, I love vampire movies.  The blog, Snarkerati, listed the 70 top vampire movies of all time.  The list is great because it takes a combination of IMDB user scores and Rotten Tomatoes.  IMDB represents the popular vote, while Rotten Tomatoes represents the reviewing elite.  It’s sort of like the House and Senate.  I have seen 41 of those 70 movies.  Included in the movies I’ve seen:

The Canadian Royal Ballet’s version, Dracula: Pages from a Virgin’s Diary (2002) Virgins dancing for Dracula

The Eddie Murphy Movie: Vampire in BrooklynEddie Murphy as a Vampire

And the straight to video, Subspecies

Vampire breaking fingers

But Twilight seems to bring too much teen angst and romance.  Maybe I’ll see it, but probably not with all those teen-aged swooning girls.  Vampires are supposed to be evil, predatory, and ancient.  There are many variations, including hot Kate Beckinsdale vampires, but teen idol is one step too far down the road Anne Rice was treading when I stopped reading her books.

A Quantum of Solace: Pretty Good Bond Movie

I realize I saw awesome too much.  To me, many things are awesome, at least in the moment.  Later the experience fades and I can compare the awesome moment with many other moments, and awesome fades to average.

The latest Bond movie, for instance.  We walked out of the theater, to a nearby restaurant, without anyone commenting.  Once seated, I said “I’ll open with a bid of ‘Awesome!’”  My snarkiest friend said she’d open with “pretty good.”  We turned to another friend who seemed to be resisting the urge to say anything.  Finally, “I did not like it,” he said.  He did not enjoy it in the least.

Talking about it, I realized I had seen many flaws, but had buried them while watching.  The plot runs on, there is an inconsistency in how the scenes are shot.  Some are over the top bids to be great art, and much of the action is too close up, like the Bourne Identity but without the intensity.  There is at least one character who is a complete throw-away.

But I had enjoyed it, hadn’t I?  I love the story between Bond and M.  The story started in Casino Royale, is carried forward here, and promises much more.  So I’m still loving the new Bond series.  Maybe that’s it.  Perhaps, even though this was not a good stand-alone movie, it still gave me the pleasure of being part of the ongoing story.  Like an average episode in a great television series, it still keeps you moving towards the next.