The message of Hamlet 2 is that even if your vision is fucked up, lots of people will jump in at the last moment and help you transform it into art.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is what happens if someone takes that message too seriously.  Now, I hate romantic comedies mostly because the central message is destructive.  They teach us to be victims or stalkers in the name of love.  And, unlike action/horror movies, people take those messages seriously.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is not as bad as believing that some girl will really love you if just keep following her around.  But it is bad.  All through the movie, you can almost hear the voices of the creator/director and his friends saying things like: “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to fight a bunch of guys getting out of a car?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to go shopping in modern times?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus rode a skateboard?”  No, no, and not really.

If something seemed really funny when your stoned, you should probably try running the idea around in your head sober before making it into a movie.  On the other hand, everybody making this thing was having a good time.  They decided to thrown in a Mexican wrestler and lots of lesbians, just in case the profane Jesus couldn’t carry the movie.  There are a few characters who are desperately trying to be over the top, and one or two of them make it.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is probably about as good as you might expect.  Bad acting is topped by senseless direction and inane action scenes.  There is no actual nudity.  Jesus is ridiculous, but doesn’t engage in any kind of political or social satire.  The vampires are inconsistent, and some of the other characters get a lot of screen time which they don’t have the talent to make anything of.  It looks like a college student movie that somehow got enough budget to go full-length, and hire one stunt man.  But it doesn’t make the kind of magic out of these elements that Hamlet 2 seems to promise.

On the other hand, I love vampire movies.  The blog, Snarkerati, listed the 70 top vampire movies of all time.  The list is great because it takes a combination of IMDB user scores and Rotten Tomatoes.  IMDB represents the popular vote, while Rotten Tomatoes represents the reviewing elite.  It’s sort of like the House and Senate.  I have seen 41 of those 70 movies.  Included in the movies I’ve seen:

The Canadian Royal Ballet’s version, Dracula: Pages from a Virgin’s Diary (2002)

The Eddie Murphy Movie: Vampire in Brooklyn

And the straight to video, Subspecies

But Twilight seems to bring too much teen angst and romance.  Maybe I’ll see it, but probably not with all those teen-aged swooning girls.  Vampires are supposed to be evil, predatory, and ancient.  There are many variations, including hot Kate Beckinsdale vampires, but teen idol is one step too far down the road Anne Rice was treading when I stopped reading her books.