Jessica Biel and those NYC Skanks

Not that they’re related in any way except for internet damage, but there you go.

A few months ago, a probable Skank by the name of Rosemary Port created an anonymous blog, in which she gave another probably Skank, Liskula Cohen an award for being the Skankiest Ho in NYC.  Among the some 1,700 viewers of this blog was the targeted maybe-skank, who got all offended.  Some damage had been done, but not very much.  A blog that gets 1,700 visitors is very, very low-impact.  And few of those visitors are likely to remember much.  Fewer still are likely to credit an anonymous source.  But, still, it was a nasty thing to say.  Maybe.  Even if it was true.

The real damage started when Cohen’s lawyer, Steve Wagner, decided to sue this anonymous blogger.  Instead of, say, 1,700 people thinking of this partying model as a “Skank-Ho”, now millions and millions of people are making that association.  As is Google.  Put in Skank, and the first picture you get is Liskula Cohen.  The first persons mentioned are Liskula Cohen and Rosemary Port.  Are they really skanks?  I don’t know, but who am I to argue with Google?  Can Liskula Cohen sue her lawyer?  After all, the damage done to her reputation by his lawsuit far, far exceeds that from the barely known anonymous blog.

And who could Jessica Biel sue?  Over 753 articles have headlined her as the “most dangerous celebrity in cyberspace” claiming that “Jessica Biel could give you a (PC) virus.”  Isn’t that a bit negative?  What did she do to earn this honor?  MacAfee created a list of celebrities who they claim are dangerous when searched for.  Naturally, they are selling something.    Can anyone double check their findings?  Seems to me that it’s just a pure press release play, using celebrity names to raise fear and drive people to buy more MacAfee.  Personally, I’ve never gotten a virus from Jessica Biel, or from any other online celebrity.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus: Breaking the Contract

My old roommate watched reality shows, like I Love NY and Rock of Love.  It was a total trainwreck, bad television gone worse, but there was something compelling in watching people be honestly stupid.  Some things you just can’t coach.  Yes, I know there is a bit of scripting, drama is encouraged, but you can see that some of the “contestants” really believe in what they’re trying to do.

Bad movies can be like that.  Uwe Boll really thinks he can direct.  The actors in most Sci-Fi originals are putting what they have on the table.  There’s no money for effects, the director is probably wasted, and the writers cobble their facts and plot points from other movies.  But that’s because they believe in those other movies.  Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus has everything you think you want in a bad movie:

  • Bad Special Effects
  • Ridiculous physics
  • Know-it-all scientists quoting 5th grade knowledge as if they discovered it
  • Fake accents
  • Sets that don’t match exterior shots
  • Plot holes and over-dramatic story elements that don’t relate to the plot
  • Lorenzo Lamas

But they’re faking it.  That’s not always bad.  A lot of bad movies are made better because the people making them were just having fun.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is kind of awesome because Jesus teams up with a Mexican wrestler.  That’s just a genuine WTF.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus doesn’t have the crazy vision of JCVH, but it’s badness is guided by a conscious: “let’s do something stupid and the frat boys will laugh at this movie.”  Shark jumping 35,000 feet to take down an airliner?  No problem.  Scientists trying to solve problem by mixing colors?  Sure.  A submarine commander who got fired for running aground to avoid hitting a dolphin?  Why not?  It’s like they’re making the movie, throw in a clip of a battleship and say: “let’s call it a destroyer!”  “But it’s a battleship!”  “Yes, but the kids will laugh at us.”  Then the battleship fires guns fore and aft while the shark is attacking from the side.

We love bad movies because they make stupid mistakes, or because they try things nobody else will do, or just because that’s the best they could be.  But if someone cheats, if someone makes the movie a lot worse, because they’ve identified the market segment that likes to laugh at them, then the contract is broken.  It’s a cheat.  This movie, even with Debbie Gibson playing someone with a washed-up career, is a fake bad movie.  Which doesn’t mean it’s any good.