Double Feature: Hamlet 2 vs. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Hamlet 2 is this brilliant movie, in which a loser high school drama teacher decides to stage his own creation, a complex sequel to Hamlet that involves a time-traveling Jesus.  A Jesus who “kicks ass”.  Elizabeth Shue shows up to play herself, as a someone who is kind of done with acting.  You get the feeling she’s playing it quite close to life.  Hamlet 2 is a must see, but the reason I bring it up is that the teacher’s dream, a mixed up play with randomly drawn characters who shouldn’t really be there, and a religious icon doing things he shouldn’t really be doing, is exactly the theme of another movie: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

The message of Hamlet 2 is that even if your vision is fucked up, lots of people will jump in at the last moment and help you transform it into art.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is what happens if someone takes that message too seriously.  Now, I hate romantic comedies mostly because the central message is destructive.  They teach us to be victims or stalkers in the name of love.  And, unlike action/horror movies, people take those messages seriously.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is not as bad as believing that some girl will really love you if just keep following her around.  But it is bad.  All through the movie, you can almost hear the voices of the creator/director and his friends saying things like: “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to fight a bunch of guys getting out of a car?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus had to go shopping in modern times?”  “wouldn’t it be funny if Jesus rode a skateboard?”  No, no, and not really.

If something seemed really funny when your stoned, you should probably try running the idea around in your head sober before making it into a movie.  On the other hand, everybody making this thing was having a good time.  They decided to thrown in a Mexican wrestler and lots of lesbians, just in case the profane Jesus couldn’t carry the movie.  There are a few characters who are desperately trying to be over the top, and one or two of them make it.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is probably about as good as you might expect.  Bad acting is topped by senseless direction and inane action scenes.  There is no actual nudity.  Jesus is ridiculous, but doesn’t engage in any kind of political or social satire.  The vampires are inconsistent, and some of the other characters get a lot of screen time which they don’t have the talent to make anything of.  It looks like a college student movie that somehow got enough budget to go full-length, and hire one stunt man.  But it doesn’t make the kind of magic out of these elements that Hamlet 2 seems to promise.