To participate in Final Girl’s film club, I had Netflix send me Lifeforce, a 1985 Tobe Hooper move about Naked Space Vampires.

Reach into my brain and pull out the perfect woman, and she might look like Mathilda May, the naked chick who walks around sucking blue light out of people in Lifeforce. But why would she have two perfect naked guys with her? Those guys didn’t come out of my head, I’m certain of that. Also, if she came out of Steven Railsback’s brain, why isn’t she over-emoting massively? Instead, the perfect woman is ice-cold and creepy. But she does have perfect breasts.

It’s been said before, but I’ll say it here, again. Naked Space Vampire Movie is an automatic win. But Lifeforce is encumbered by dry British-ness, set against a weirdly screaming Steve Railsback, who is oddly distant when he’s not madly emoting. The plot, even with the restored footage that US distributors edited out, is muddy. You’d think space vampires would be straight-forward, but these things seem to have varying rules. Also, the initial contact story gets re-told three times, in different ways. The result is confusing, and action is disconnected. After a long, dry, procedural hunt, culminating in the strangest Patrick Stewart quivering ever, we suddenly shift to Zombie Apocalypse mode. Also, there’s a lot of flashing blue light streaks. The ending is vague. I’d say ambiguous, but that word means two clear options that oppose each other. In this case, the ending doesn’t really mean anything clearly.